Finding Purpose in the Pain

Life doesn't always go as planned. Sometimes life happens to us and sometimes we walk into situations of our own free will that lead to unfortunate outcomes. We drift away from the path that God planned for us. Sometimes the drift is so subtle that we don't even recognize it's happening.

When I was 20 years old I was seriously drifting from what I knew God had planned for my life. I was doing things my way and I walked into one of those situations with my eyes wide open that led to me being drugged and raped by someone that I thought I could trust.

When I say that I walked in with my eyes wide open, I mean I knew in my heart that I was walking outside the will of God. I suspected that I might be placing myself in a compromising position, but I chose to ignore that voice warning me to turn back.

The hardest part of recovering from this trauma was learning to forgive, especially myself. I felt I had let so many people down. Most of all I felt I had failed God. After all, I wasn't living the way I was supposed to, I wasn't living the way I had been raised and taught was right.

I won't lie, it took many years to work through the darkness that followed. I went through anger, guilt, shame, regret, fear and every other emotion.

I didn't feel worthy of forgiveness for a long time. So instead of turning to God and letting him heal me, I started to comfort myself with alcohol. I became what I referred to as a weekend alcoholic. I used it to numb my pain. The cycle of shame and regret was never-ending.

It wasn't until I met my husband that things started to turn around. He was, and still is, such a nice guy and he saw something in me that I couldn't see. At first I was kind of hard on him. It took me a while to understand that he wasn't like the other men that had previously been in my life. He was truly good and he wasn't going to hurt me. Slowly he rebuilt my trust and my heart started to heal.

It was during this time that I would turn back to God. I knew that if I wanted to truly be whole again that I was going to have to give my pain to Him. It wasn't easy. Forgiveness for myself and for the one who had hurt me was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still have days where I have to forgive again. I don't believe forgiveness is a one time thing. I believe it is a process that we have to go through, sometimes on a daily basis. I also learned that forgiveness benefits the forgiver. Refusing to forgive only hurts you. It's like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Forgiving truly sets you free. Free to live the life that God intended for you.

Sharing this part of my life is difficult. It's a part of my story that I feel like God wants to use to help others who may have gone through something similar. I can testify that although it's been hard and there are still days that I get sucked back under; God is always there to pull me out. He is faithful, He is my anchor that I hold on to when the waves of life try to sweep me away.

Letting go of pain from the past can be hard to do, but with God's help anything is possible. If you will allow Him to, He will turn your scars into beauty marks. Leave it to God to take something truly ugly and use it for His good.

Living in Fear is Not Living!

What is holding you back from God's intended purpose for your life?  I can tell you for myself the answer is fear. I'm willing to bet some of you would say the same. The problem is, fear is not of God. It's a tool of the devil to keep us from achieving our God given destiny.

In 2009 I suffered a nervous breakdown. Overnight my life literally turned upside down. I had to quit my job and for about six weeks I didn't leave my house except to go to the doctor.  The first three weeks I cried constantly and I didn't sleep.  I thought I had destroyed my family. I felt like a complete failure. But more than anything else, I felt paralyzing fear.

I not only felt like a failure as a wife, mother and employee; I felt like I had failed God.  As a Christian, shouldn't I be able to pull it together? Wasn't I supposed to have faith?  What kind of example was I setting?

Here it is eight years later and I still deal with the fear. The biggest fear I have is that I'm not enough.

I lay in bed at night and I make all these plans. I see myself becoming the writer I want to be. I see myself being a better Christian, mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. I see myself making the necessary changes to become healthier. There are so many things I want to do.

Then something happens when the sun comes up. Doubts start to creep in and my resolve gets weak. I sit down to a blank screen and the words don't come. I don't accomplish what I think I should and I go to bed defeated.

Does this sound familiar? Can any of you relate?

So how do we overcome? How do we win this battle of the mind?

I think the best place to start is with a rich prayer life and digging into scripture. Here are just a few of my favorite scriptures to deal with fear:

• Deuteronomy 31:8 Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God will personally go before you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you.
• 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love and sound judgement.
• Psalm 118:6 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
• Psalm 23:4 Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
• Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. 

I have to be honest with you. I am no where close to being where I need to be on the subject of fear. I'm definitely still learning to navigate the minefield of day to day living. But I believe that all things are possible with God. 

I will never give up striving to overcome. In fact, I believe that overcoming is a daily journey. I don't believe that we get to a point in life where we get to sit back and say, "that's it I'm over it." I believe we have to continually grow in our walk with the Lord. In doing so, we will get stronger and yes, dealing with fear will become easier. 

God has a purpose for each of our lives. I truly believe that one of His purposes for my life is to share my struggle so others who are struggling with fear will know they are not alone. 

So let's stop living in fear and start clinging to God's promises. Dig into the word of God and pray, pray God's word over your life. He has so much for us if we will just give Him control. 

Who I Am

In my opinion, my personality is a little complex. I had a half German grandmother and I feel like she passed a lot of her personality on to me.  It was undoubtedly helped along by the fact that I spent most Saturdays and Sundays with her for a significant part of my childhood and adolescence.

She was out spoken, to say the least, and she never spared her opinion on what you were doing right or wrong.  This part of her personality rubbed me the wrong way most of my childhood.
But as a teenager and young adult I developed a much different relationship with her.

I guess you could say I started giving back what she gave.  We picked at each other back and forth constantly, she even swatted me with her cane once.  She told me, "That will teach you to sass me."  I told her, "That will teach me to stand further away next time."

In her way, I believe she made me a stronger person. I loved her fiercely and I know she loved me. She was one of the strongest prayer warriors I've ever known.  I knew without  a doubt that she and my grandfather prayed for me every single day.
   
My other grandmother, who I lost when I was twelve years old, definitely wasn't the "sweet old lady" type either.  She was a tell it like it is kind of woman.  I'm not sure of her heritage, but my memories of her are of a strong woman who had a temper and didn't take any crap.  I definitely believe my sarcasm comes from her side.  I loved her dearly and I feel like I lost her before I had a chance to really know her.

My mother's personality has a lot of the same qualities as her mother's. She belonged to my half German grandmother.  We have a very special relationship. She is one of my best friends, my cheerleader, my confidante and a lot of times my conscience.

You know that saying, "I just heard my mother's voice come out of my mouth?"  I hear myself saying that a lot the older I get. I definitely feel that the relationship I had with her growing up reflects the relationship I have with my own child.

I think it's interesting how our personalities develop and how they are usually influenced by the people we spend a lot of time with.

My son probably wouldn't want to admit it, but he has developed a personality much like mine. Here's the kicker though, most of the things we butt heads over are the things he does like me.  We argue a lot.  I would dare say we have a relationship much like the one I had with my Grandmother, much to my husband's dismay.

One day after one of our "discussions" my husband looked at me and said, "You know, I just realized, that you two are just alike."  I just laughed at him.  I told him, "I've known that for a long time. That's the reason we butt heads the way we do.  I can't believe you're just now figuring that out."

I don't want you all to think that I have a bad relationship with my son.  In fact, we have a very solid relationship.  It's frustrating sometimes, but I feel like we have an honest, open relationship and I truly believe he tells me things most kids don't tell their parents.  I'm not naive, I know he doesn't tell me everything, but honestly, some days he tells me way more than I want to know, but I wouldn't change that.

He paid me the nicest compliment not long ago when he told me that he considered me his best friend.  It made me feel like I was doing something right.

All of this being said, I desperately long to just simply be who I am.  Just me, no explanations, no regrets, no apologies, no doubts, no fear.

I feel like I have two versions of myself.  There's the me I am at home with my husband, child, and the people I'm closest to, and then there's the me I am when I'm around everyone else.  This second version of me started to evolve around the time I got married and became a mother.

There are too many reasons to name as to why I feel this version of myself developed.  It's exhausting though, truly exhausting; putting on my mask and smothering the person I truly am to try and appease other people.  

So many "things/events" have contributed to making me who I am today, some good and some down right ugly.  There are definitely a few things I would change if I could, but overall, I'm a much stronger person for what I've gone through. And, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't change that.  I wouldn't want to be anyone other than who I am. I'm only interested in becoming who God wants me to be at this point.

So I'm working on me. Working on melding these two versions together to become the best version of me. More importantly, becoming the version of me that God wants me to be.  I'm a work in progress. I'm flawed, imperfect and messy, but God tells me I'm also truly beautiful, inside and out.

Stay tuned, there's so much more to come!

Feeling My Age

Do you ever feel like you're falling apart?  Not necessarily spiritually, although that can become a factor, but physically?  Maybe like your power cord has been unplugged from it's power source?

Last year when I went for my annual check-up with the doctor I found out that I had a lot of issues. My blood pressure was a little high, my cholesterol was a little high, I was anemic, my vitamin D had bottomed out and my thyroid, for which I have taken medication for hypothyroidism for 13 years, was all out of whack!

I took iron, vitamin D, saw a specialist for the thyroid, had my medication changed twice, and promised I was working on this weight issue to get my blood pressure and cholesterol in check.

Fast forward a year:  I'm back at the doctor for another annual check-up.  Again, I have a laundry list of issues.  Most of them, the same issues.  I have lost a little weight, but not near enough to make a difference.

I have been blaming myself for being so tired all the time.  I thought maybe I was just lazy.  But when you find out you're anemic, your vitamin D is once again bottomed out and your thyroid is once again completely out of whack; you realize it's not all your fault.  There's a real reason for the lethargy.  It's not all in your head.  Thank God!

The one thing I can't understand is how a person with all these issues that drain energy can still be an insomniac.  That's a mystery I will never comprehend.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the doctor's appointments I have coming my way.  I had an appointment today, two next week and one in February for my first mammogram - yikes!  I will have another one, to be determined, in the middle of all of this for a simple, in office procedure that I'm not looking forward to, but it's really not supposed to be a big deal.  Regardless of how trivial it all sounds, I'm dreading it all so bad and will just be so glad when it's all over.

Now, having said all that, I realize that at my age, it will never just be over.  It's just the beginning and it sucks!  Pardon my bluntness!

On an up-note, I have lost 7 1/2 pounds in the past two weeks and I am determined to lose this weight and get myself healthy.  I haven't been able to exercise, because I have had the worst head/chest cold I have had in a very long time for going on three weeks.  But as soon as I'm over this mess I will be getting my butt in gear.

I don't know why I feel compelled to share this with you all.  Maybe someone else out there is going through something similar and maybe my sharing will help you to not feel so alone.  Maybe I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

One thing I do know for sure is that God will be with me through it all.  He has never and will never leave my side.  Even at my most overwhelming moments, I know He's there.

God is Listening

My son and his friend had a car accident Wednesday night coming home from church.  It happened around 9:30 p.m.  My son was driving down the outer road by the interstate when he suddenly saw something in the road.  When he swerved to miss it he clipped the object with the right front of his car and lost control.

They spun a couple of times and somehow managed to go under a cable that divides the outer road from the interstate; it scraped the whole length of his car.  They went through the grass and into the right lane of the interstate, thankfully nothing was coming, before he was able to get control and pull the car over to the shoulder.  Thank God, my son nor his friend were injured.

That something he saw in the middle of the road turned out to be a dishwasher that had apparently fell off of someone's truck.

I pray everyday that God will protect my child and direct his steps.  That morning I remember specifically praying that God would protect him as he was driving.  God proved to me that he hears my prayers.

Here's the thing, just the day before I got some unpleasant news about a very dear family member.  We've been praying for a miracle for so long and things just aren't going the way we wish they would.  All around me it seems like people are sick, dying or just generally having a hard way to go.  I remember hanging up the phone and just crying.  I felt so helpless and I was telling my husband I didn't feel like my prayers were doing any good.  I was feeling like all those prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling.

The very next day God proved to me that He definitely hears me.  He protected my child.  This accident could have ended so badly.

My son's friend told me he remembers the car starting to tilt like it was going to flip and then just suddenly set right back down.  My son told me he was trying so hard to get control and when he saw they were headed for the interstate, he just all of the sudden had control.  I told them that God had his hand on them and they both agreed with me.  That's the only explanation I need.

When my son called me to tell me they had had an accident my mind stop accepting information after he said, "we had and accident."  He was trying to tell me where they were and all I heard was that they were on the outer road.  I quickly gave the phone to his father so that I could get dressed.  Once we got to where we thought they were and I realized they were actually on the shoulder of the interstate I almost threw up.  Images of what could have happened started flooding my mind and I was just overwhelmed with gratitude to God for keeping His hand over my child and his friend.

I don't know why this had to happen.  I don't understand why it had to be my son that would come upon a dishwasher in the middle of the road on a dark night.  I don't know why bad things happen to good people.  I've decided, for now, to stop asking why.

All I am going to do right now is continue to trust God and thank Him for his mercy and His grace and trust in His wisdom.  God may not always answer our prayers the way we want Him to but He has a plan and we just have to trust in that.

Never Gonna Steal My Joy - Mandisa (lyric video)

I heard this song on Pandora the other day and I had never heard it before.  I find the lyrics very encouraging.  I hope you do to!

Delivered, God's Not Done With Me Yet

Having a nervous breakdown caused me to lose a part of myself.  Almost as if a part of me died.  I really didn't believe I would fully recover that loss.  But, God is not finished with me yet, I'm a continuous work in progress.

Do you ever feel stale?  Like you're just wandering around lost trying to figure out why you're here and what your purpose is?  I had been this way for some time.  I felt the need to get back to that "first love" feeling.  I needed to reacquaint myself with God and and dig deeper into His word than ever before.  I felt dry and parched.

I had felt stagnant for so long that I had started to feel like my life was pointless.  I knew it was just the devil trying to bring me down.  He is constantly trying to take control of my mind.  The problem was that I had given in and had let him bring me down to a level where I was almost certain I wasn't going to be able to climb back out.

and then....

Last Thursday evening I was preparing to go to choir practice for our church.  I was suddenly, without warning attacked with an intense toothache and had to take pain medication and knew I would start feeling really woozy...perfect reason to stay home, right?

I got so angry at the devil.  I knew he had attacked me just to keep me from going to practice.  So when my husband got ready to leave, he plays bass for our worship team, he told me he would see me when he got back.  I looked at him and said, "no you won't, I'm going with you if I have to lay in the floor to practice."

Little did I know I was going to be delivered that night.  When practice was over our Worship Leader/Pastor's Wife was talking to us and asking us to fast for 30 days and pray because she just felt that the enemy was attacking people and trying to block the things that God is trying to do in lives and our community and church.  I cried the whole time she talked.  I felt the fear, fear of just living and breathing being lifted off me as we all prayed together that night.

On Sunday morning the devil attacked again with pain, but I was determined to make it to church.  As we were having our worship service and it was coming to a close, our Pastor walked up on stage and he said that the Holy Spirit was releasing people from fear.  I barely heard anything else he said after that because I just started to weep and I almost jumped off the choir risers and started to run around the church.  It was just confirmation that I was indeed set free.  I couldn't stop smiling or crying through the rest of worship.

Everyday is an uphill battle.  I have been having some shouting matches with the devil.  I have told him over and over, this body, this mind, the soul, this heart belongs to God and you have no place here.  You have to flee at the name of Jesus and then I just start shouting Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!  I do this a lot in my car.  I told someone the other day if I get stopped in traffic with people around me, they will probably think I'm crazy and they can probably hear me yelling at the devil.  But, at this point in my life, I am so determined to keep my victory for good.  The devil is not taking it back.  I've allowed him to toy with my mind for way too long.  It's not happening again.

I just want to encourage you, if you are facing this same kind of battle, don't give up.  God is there, just call out to Him.  I read somewhere just the other day; "the best time to thank Jesus for His presence is when you don't feel His presence?"

Read your Bible, pray, pray and pray some more.  Listen to uplifting music.  Read encouraging, Bible based books.  Get a good devotional to read daily.  Remember garbage in garbage out.  And, when the devil starts whispering in your ear, you just shout, "you have to flee in Jesus name, you have no place here, I belong to God!"