Finding Purpose in the Pain

Life doesn't always go as planned. Sometimes life happens to us and sometimes we walk into situations of our own free will that lead to unfortunate outcomes. We drift away from the path that God planned for us. Sometimes the drift is so subtle that we don't even recognize it's happening.

When I was 20 years old I was seriously drifting from what I knew God had planned for my life. I was doing things my way and I walked into one of those situations with my eyes wide open that led to me being drugged and raped by someone that I thought I could trust.

When I say that I walked in with my eyes wide open, I mean I knew in my heart that I was walking outside the will of God. I suspected that I might be placing myself in a compromising position, but I chose to ignore that voice warning me to turn back.

The hardest part of recovering from this trauma was learning to forgive, especially myself. I felt I had let so many people down. Most of all I felt I had failed God. After all, I wasn't living the way I was supposed to, I wasn't living the way I had been raised and taught was right.

I won't lie, it took many years to work through the darkness that followed. I went through anger, guilt, shame, regret, fear and every other emotion.

I didn't feel worthy of forgiveness for a long time. So instead of turning to God and letting him heal me, I started to comfort myself with alcohol. I became what I referred to as a weekend alcoholic. I used it to numb my pain. The cycle of shame and regret was never-ending.

It wasn't until I met my husband that things started to turn around. He was, and still is, such a nice guy and he saw something in me that I couldn't see. At first I was kind of hard on him. It took me a while to understand that he wasn't like the other men that had previously been in my life. He was truly good and he wasn't going to hurt me. Slowly he rebuilt my trust and my heart started to heal.

It was during this time that I would turn back to God. I knew that if I wanted to truly be whole again that I was going to have to give my pain to Him. It wasn't easy. Forgiveness for myself and for the one who had hurt me was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still have days where I have to forgive again. I don't believe forgiveness is a one time thing. I believe it is a process that we have to go through, sometimes on a daily basis. I also learned that forgiveness benefits the forgiver. Refusing to forgive only hurts you. It's like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Forgiving truly sets you free. Free to live the life that God intended for you.

Sharing this part of my life is difficult. It's a part of my story that I feel like God wants to use to help others who may have gone through something similar. I can testify that although it's been hard and there are still days that I get sucked back under; God is always there to pull me out. He is faithful, He is my anchor that I hold on to when the waves of life try to sweep me away.

Letting go of pain from the past can be hard to do, but with God's help anything is possible. If you will allow Him to, He will turn your scars into beauty marks. Leave it to God to take something truly ugly and use it for His good.

Deciding to Forgive

"Don't hate, it's too big a burden to bear." Martin Luther King, Sr.

Hate seems like such a harsh word, but http://www.merriam-webster.com defines it as follows:

a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury 

b : extreme dislike or antipathy : loathing

How many of us can say that we have never felt hostility or extreme dislike for someone?  Be honest!  I'm not going to lie; I have felt both of those emotions at one time or another and it's one of the worst feelings I've ever known.

Matthew 5:43 "You have heard the law that says, 'Love your neighbor' and hate your enemy.  44 But I say, love your enemies!  Pray for those who persecute you!  45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your father in heaven.  For He gives His sunlight to both the evil and the good and He sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.  46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that?

I struggle with forgiveness on a daily basis.  I would dare say, that forgiveness is a struggle for everyone at some point.  If, however, you are one of those fortunate individuals who do not fight this battle, I envy you.

The worst part of holding on to past hurts and not forgiving is the fact that it only hurts me.  Most of the time the person you harbor ill will toward does not know or care how you feel.  And these feelings of bitterness, resentment, hate, etc..., will eat you alive.

Have you ever been lying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep and suddenly you think of something that someone did or said to you that hurt your feelings or really set you off?  I know I have and it's a very unsettling experience.  I start to replay the event in my mind. I think of all the different ways that I could have handled it.  What I said, what I should have said, what I shouldn't have said.  Before I know it, my heart is racing and I am angry all over again.  It's the most frustrating feeling.

What's worse is, when I feel that I have let something go or that I have forgiven a wrong and then it somehow comes up again and I find that I am still not over it.  When I have these realizations, I feel guilty and ashamed of myself.  The Bible says that I have to forgive to be forgiven.  Why does this forgiveness thing have to be so hard?

So, how to overcome?  Pray, pray, pray and pray some more.  Every time one of these offenses pops up in my mind, I pray.  I pray for that person, I pray blessings on their life, I pray for myself and ask God to forgive me for my feelings.  I know it works.

I'm not going to lie and say that I have perfected this, because I haven't and I still have things that pop up and I have to really pray.  I believe, one day, I will have victory over all the "issues" in my life.  Learning to forgive myself is the hardest challenge.  The devil likes to remind me of my past mistakes. I have to remind myself often that God forgave me, the devil is a liar and God wants me to live my life abundantly.

Philippians 2:2 Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.  3 Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others.  Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  4 Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.  5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

I think if we can keep the above scripture in mind, we would be happier individuals.  I know that when I take the focus off of myself and put it somewhere else, I tend to be in a better mood and I feel a sense of accomplishment.

My encouragement to you is, take one day at a time, pray, pray, pray and pray some more, and never forget the God that saved you will rescue you in your time of need.  Some days I feel like I am going to drown, but that life preserver always seems to reach me just in time.  Don't give up!