Having a nervous breakdown caused me to lose a part of myself. Almost as if a part of me died. I really didn't believe I would fully recover that loss. But, God is not finished with me yet, I'm a continuous work in progress.
Do you ever feel stale? Like you're just wandering around lost trying to figure out why you're here and what your purpose is? I had been this way for some time. I felt the need to get back to that "first love" feeling. I needed to reacquaint myself with God and and dig deeper into His word than ever before. I felt dry and parched.
I had felt stagnant for so long that I had started to feel like my life was pointless. I knew it was just the devil trying to bring me down. He is constantly trying to take control of my mind. The problem was that I had given in and had let him bring me down to a level where I was almost certain I wasn't going to be able to climb back out.
and then....
Last Thursday evening I was preparing to go to choir practice for our church. I was suddenly, without warning attacked with an intense toothache and had to take pain medication and knew I would start feeling really woozy...perfect reason to stay home, right?
I got so angry at the devil. I knew he had attacked me just to keep me from going to practice. So when my husband got ready to leave, he plays bass for our worship team, he told me he would see me when he got back. I looked at him and said, "no you won't, I'm going with you if I have to lay in the floor to practice."
Little did I know I was going to be delivered that night. When practice was over our Worship Leader/Pastor's Wife was talking to us and asking us to fast for 30 days and pray because she just felt that the enemy was attacking people and trying to block the things that God is trying to do in lives and our community and church. I cried the whole time she talked. I felt the fear, fear of just living and breathing being lifted off me as we all prayed together that night.
On Sunday morning the devil attacked again with pain, but I was determined to make it to church. As we were having our worship service and it was coming to a close, our Pastor walked up on stage and he said that the Holy Spirit was releasing people from fear. I barely heard anything else he said after that because I just started to weep and I almost jumped off the choir risers and started to run around the church. It was just confirmation that I was indeed set free. I couldn't stop smiling or crying through the rest of worship.
Everyday is an uphill battle. I have been having some shouting matches with the devil. I have told him over and over, this body, this mind, the soul, this heart belongs to God and you have no place here. You have to flee at the name of Jesus and then I just start shouting Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! I do this a lot in my car. I told someone the other day if I get stopped in traffic with people around me, they will probably think I'm crazy and they can probably hear me yelling at the devil. But, at this point in my life, I am so determined to keep my victory for good. The devil is not taking it back. I've allowed him to toy with my mind for way too long. It's not happening again.
I just want to encourage you, if you are facing this same kind of battle, don't give up. God is there, just call out to Him. I read somewhere just the other day; "the best time to thank Jesus for His presence is when you don't feel His presence?"
Read your Bible, pray, pray and pray some more. Listen to uplifting music. Read encouraging, Bible based books. Get a good devotional to read daily. Remember garbage in garbage out. And, when the devil starts whispering in your ear, you just shout, "you have to flee in Jesus name, you have no place here, I belong to God!"
