Who I Am

In my opinion, my personality is a little complex. I had a half German grandmother and I feel like she passed a lot of her personality on to me.  It was undoubtedly helped along by the fact that I spent most Saturdays and Sundays with her for a significant part of my childhood and adolescence.

She was out spoken, to say the least, and she never spared her opinion on what you were doing right or wrong.  This part of her personality rubbed me the wrong way most of my childhood.
But as a teenager and young adult I developed a much different relationship with her.

I guess you could say I started giving back what she gave.  We picked at each other back and forth constantly, she even swatted me with her cane once.  She told me, "That will teach you to sass me."  I told her, "That will teach me to stand further away next time."

In her way, I believe she made me a stronger person. I loved her fiercely and I know she loved me. She was one of the strongest prayer warriors I've ever known.  I knew without  a doubt that she and my grandfather prayed for me every single day.
   
My other grandmother, who I lost when I was twelve years old, definitely wasn't the "sweet old lady" type either.  She was a tell it like it is kind of woman.  I'm not sure of her heritage, but my memories of her are of a strong woman who had a temper and didn't take any crap.  I definitely believe my sarcasm comes from her side.  I loved her dearly and I feel like I lost her before I had a chance to really know her.

My mother's personality has a lot of the same qualities as her mother's. She belonged to my half German grandmother.  We have a very special relationship. She is one of my best friends, my cheerleader, my confidante and a lot of times my conscience.

You know that saying, "I just heard my mother's voice come out of my mouth?"  I hear myself saying that a lot the older I get. I definitely feel that the relationship I had with her growing up reflects the relationship I have with my own child.

I think it's interesting how our personalities develop and how they are usually influenced by the people we spend a lot of time with.

My son probably wouldn't want to admit it, but he has developed a personality much like mine. Here's the kicker though, most of the things we butt heads over are the things he does like me.  We argue a lot.  I would dare say we have a relationship much like the one I had with my Grandmother, much to my husband's dismay.

One day after one of our "discussions" my husband looked at me and said, "You know, I just realized, that you two are just alike."  I just laughed at him.  I told him, "I've known that for a long time. That's the reason we butt heads the way we do.  I can't believe you're just now figuring that out."

I don't want you all to think that I have a bad relationship with my son.  In fact, we have a very solid relationship.  It's frustrating sometimes, but I feel like we have an honest, open relationship and I truly believe he tells me things most kids don't tell their parents.  I'm not naive, I know he doesn't tell me everything, but honestly, some days he tells me way more than I want to know, but I wouldn't change that.

He paid me the nicest compliment not long ago when he told me that he considered me his best friend.  It made me feel like I was doing something right.

All of this being said, I desperately long to just simply be who I am.  Just me, no explanations, no regrets, no apologies, no doubts, no fear.

I feel like I have two versions of myself.  There's the me I am at home with my husband, child, and the people I'm closest to, and then there's the me I am when I'm around everyone else.  This second version of me started to evolve around the time I got married and became a mother.

There are too many reasons to name as to why I feel this version of myself developed.  It's exhausting though, truly exhausting; putting on my mask and smothering the person I truly am to try and appease other people.  

So many "things/events" have contributed to making me who I am today, some good and some down right ugly.  There are definitely a few things I would change if I could, but overall, I'm a much stronger person for what I've gone through. And, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't change that.  I wouldn't want to be anyone other than who I am. I'm only interested in becoming who God wants me to be at this point.

So I'm working on me. Working on melding these two versions together to become the best version of me. More importantly, becoming the version of me that God wants me to be.  I'm a work in progress. I'm flawed, imperfect and messy, but God tells me I'm also truly beautiful, inside and out.

Stay tuned, there's so much more to come!

Feeling My Age

Do you ever feel like you're falling apart?  Not necessarily spiritually, although that can become a factor, but physically?  Maybe like your power cord has been unplugged from it's power source?

Last year when I went for my annual check-up with the doctor I found out that I had a lot of issues. My blood pressure was a little high, my cholesterol was a little high, I was anemic, my vitamin D had bottomed out and my thyroid, for which I have taken medication for hypothyroidism for 13 years, was all out of whack!

I took iron, vitamin D, saw a specialist for the thyroid, had my medication changed twice, and promised I was working on this weight issue to get my blood pressure and cholesterol in check.

Fast forward a year:  I'm back at the doctor for another annual check-up.  Again, I have a laundry list of issues.  Most of them, the same issues.  I have lost a little weight, but not near enough to make a difference.

I have been blaming myself for being so tired all the time.  I thought maybe I was just lazy.  But when you find out you're anemic, your vitamin D is once again bottomed out and your thyroid is once again completely out of whack; you realize it's not all your fault.  There's a real reason for the lethargy.  It's not all in your head.  Thank God!

The one thing I can't understand is how a person with all these issues that drain energy can still be an insomniac.  That's a mystery I will never comprehend.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the doctor's appointments I have coming my way.  I had an appointment today, two next week and one in February for my first mammogram - yikes!  I will have another one, to be determined, in the middle of all of this for a simple, in office procedure that I'm not looking forward to, but it's really not supposed to be a big deal.  Regardless of how trivial it all sounds, I'm dreading it all so bad and will just be so glad when it's all over.

Now, having said all that, I realize that at my age, it will never just be over.  It's just the beginning and it sucks!  Pardon my bluntness!

On an up-note, I have lost 7 1/2 pounds in the past two weeks and I am determined to lose this weight and get myself healthy.  I haven't been able to exercise, because I have had the worst head/chest cold I have had in a very long time for going on three weeks.  But as soon as I'm over this mess I will be getting my butt in gear.

I don't know why I feel compelled to share this with you all.  Maybe someone else out there is going through something similar and maybe my sharing will help you to not feel so alone.  Maybe I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

One thing I do know for sure is that God will be with me through it all.  He has never and will never leave my side.  Even at my most overwhelming moments, I know He's there.

God is Listening

My son and his friend had a car accident Wednesday night coming home from church.  It happened around 9:30 p.m.  My son was driving down the outer road by the interstate when he suddenly saw something in the road.  When he swerved to miss it he clipped the object with the right front of his car and lost control.

They spun a couple of times and somehow managed to go under a cable that divides the outer road from the interstate; it scraped the whole length of his car.  They went through the grass and into the right lane of the interstate, thankfully nothing was coming, before he was able to get control and pull the car over to the shoulder.  Thank God, my son nor his friend were injured.

That something he saw in the middle of the road turned out to be a dishwasher that had apparently fell off of someone's truck.

I pray everyday that God will protect my child and direct his steps.  That morning I remember specifically praying that God would protect him as he was driving.  God proved to me that he hears my prayers.

Here's the thing, just the day before I got some unpleasant news about a very dear family member.  We've been praying for a miracle for so long and things just aren't going the way we wish they would.  All around me it seems like people are sick, dying or just generally having a hard way to go.  I remember hanging up the phone and just crying.  I felt so helpless and I was telling my husband I didn't feel like my prayers were doing any good.  I was feeling like all those prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling.

The very next day God proved to me that He definitely hears me.  He protected my child.  This accident could have ended so badly.

My son's friend told me he remembers the car starting to tilt like it was going to flip and then just suddenly set right back down.  My son told me he was trying so hard to get control and when he saw they were headed for the interstate, he just all of the sudden had control.  I told them that God had his hand on them and they both agreed with me.  That's the only explanation I need.

When my son called me to tell me they had had an accident my mind stop accepting information after he said, "we had and accident."  He was trying to tell me where they were and all I heard was that they were on the outer road.  I quickly gave the phone to his father so that I could get dressed.  Once we got to where we thought they were and I realized they were actually on the shoulder of the interstate I almost threw up.  Images of what could have happened started flooding my mind and I was just overwhelmed with gratitude to God for keeping His hand over my child and his friend.

I don't know why this had to happen.  I don't understand why it had to be my son that would come upon a dishwasher in the middle of the road on a dark night.  I don't know why bad things happen to good people.  I've decided, for now, to stop asking why.

All I am going to do right now is continue to trust God and thank Him for his mercy and His grace and trust in His wisdom.  God may not always answer our prayers the way we want Him to but He has a plan and we just have to trust in that.