Delivered, God's Not Done With Me Yet

Having a nervous breakdown caused me to lose a part of myself.  Almost as if a part of me died.  I really didn't believe I would fully recover that loss.  But, God is not finished with me yet, I'm a continuous work in progress.

Do you ever feel stale?  Like you're just wandering around lost trying to figure out why you're here and what your purpose is?  I had been this way for some time.  I felt the need to get back to that "first love" feeling.  I needed to reacquaint myself with God and and dig deeper into His word than ever before.  I felt dry and parched.

I had felt stagnant for so long that I had started to feel like my life was pointless.  I knew it was just the devil trying to bring me down.  He is constantly trying to take control of my mind.  The problem was that I had given in and had let him bring me down to a level where I was almost certain I wasn't going to be able to climb back out.

and then....

Last Thursday evening I was preparing to go to choir practice for our church.  I was suddenly, without warning attacked with an intense toothache and had to take pain medication and knew I would start feeling really woozy...perfect reason to stay home, right?

I got so angry at the devil.  I knew he had attacked me just to keep me from going to practice.  So when my husband got ready to leave, he plays bass for our worship team, he told me he would see me when he got back.  I looked at him and said, "no you won't, I'm going with you if I have to lay in the floor to practice."

Little did I know I was going to be delivered that night.  When practice was over our Worship Leader/Pastor's Wife was talking to us and asking us to fast for 30 days and pray because she just felt that the enemy was attacking people and trying to block the things that God is trying to do in lives and our community and church.  I cried the whole time she talked.  I felt the fear, fear of just living and breathing being lifted off me as we all prayed together that night.

On Sunday morning the devil attacked again with pain, but I was determined to make it to church.  As we were having our worship service and it was coming to a close, our Pastor walked up on stage and he said that the Holy Spirit was releasing people from fear.  I barely heard anything else he said after that because I just started to weep and I almost jumped off the choir risers and started to run around the church.  It was just confirmation that I was indeed set free.  I couldn't stop smiling or crying through the rest of worship.

Everyday is an uphill battle.  I have been having some shouting matches with the devil.  I have told him over and over, this body, this mind, the soul, this heart belongs to God and you have no place here.  You have to flee at the name of Jesus and then I just start shouting Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!  I do this a lot in my car.  I told someone the other day if I get stopped in traffic with people around me, they will probably think I'm crazy and they can probably hear me yelling at the devil.  But, at this point in my life, I am so determined to keep my victory for good.  The devil is not taking it back.  I've allowed him to toy with my mind for way too long.  It's not happening again.

I just want to encourage you, if you are facing this same kind of battle, don't give up.  God is there, just call out to Him.  I read somewhere just the other day; "the best time to thank Jesus for His presence is when you don't feel His presence?"

Read your Bible, pray, pray and pray some more.  Listen to uplifting music.  Read encouraging, Bible based books.  Get a good devotional to read daily.  Remember garbage in garbage out.  And, when the devil starts whispering in your ear, you just shout, "you have to flee in Jesus name, you have no place here, I belong to God!"

Life Goes On

"In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life.  It goes on.”  --Robert Frost

I could not agree more with that statement.  No matter what happens today, whether I see tomorrow or not, life will go on.  What happened yesterday is already a memory.  What happened last week is history.  What matters most is this moment.

It’s true, life passes much too quickly.  One day you’re ten years old, fighting with your brother over how much of the bedroom belongs to you; and then you wake up and you’re 41 years old.  Now you fight with your teenager over cleaning his room.

I catch myself quite frequently thinking, “what happened to me, when did I become a responsible adult and how did I allow this to happen to me?“  I look in the mirror and I know that I have changed.  There’s a reason I color my hair, I have spots on my face that did not use to be there and are those wrinkles, surely not; but on the inside I still feel pretty young.  I couldn't possibly be more than 27, 29 tops.  What’s in a number anyway, right?

“Hurry” is a big problem in my life.  I’m always in such a hurry to do something or get somewhere, that I don’t enjoy the journey.  I’m trying really hard to figure out how to slow down and breathe in the experience, stress less, laugh more…carpe diem.

Truly, if I haven’t enjoyed today and it all ends tonight, then haven’t I lost everything?  That may be a little over the top, but you know what I mean.  We don’t get a redo of today or yesterday.  This moment, right now, is all we really have.

I encourage you to enjoy this moment.  Bathe your days in prayer, laugh, be kind and enjoy your family and friends.  Choose to let go of worry and anger.  These are the things that matter!

Nothing Is Impossible With God

I wrote the following on August 2, 2009

Jesus Give Me Rest

The words, weary and burdened, have been the definition of my existence for the past three years, increasingly so in the past month and a half.  I feel as though I am being physically and mentally attacked from every side.  I struggle to get out of the bed in the morning and put my feet on the floor.

I want desperately to breathe.  I know this probably sounds a little crazy, but I literally feel like I am being smothered.  My chest feels weighted with burden, my mind is overwhelmed with stress, and the effects are starting to show, physically and mentally.  I am in desperate need of relief, the kind of relief that can only come from God.  

I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with the Lord, it could always be better.  I pray all the time, I go to church, I worship, I listen to uplifting music; but I feel like a beggar dying of thirst.  I can see the water, but I just can't reach it.  It's right there, so why can't I just reach out and take it? What is holding me back from receiving the relief that He wants to give me?

Tonight at church, we had an awesome service.  I really felt the presence of the Lord, from the moment I walked in the door.  During our prayer service, I went to the alter and I just prayed and cried, mostly that God would just give me freedom and peace.  I asked for a fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit.  I feel broken, tired and weak; all I can do is cry.

I felt better when church was over.  I felt a re-charging of my battery, but in the back of my mind tomorrow looms.  Somehow I have to get to a place where I can totally let go of my situation, of which I have no control, and give God the reins.

When I got home tonight, I sat down at my desk and flipped the page on my calendar.  Today's scripture was Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  I guess you could say I had an "aha moment."  It was as if the Lord was speaking directly to me.

Although I feel like I'm struggling, I know that I am developing a stronger and more personal relationship with the Lord through this trial.  Maybe that is the whole point of the trial; to break me and to bring me to His side and teach me total dependence.  Whatever it is, I will go to Him. I will go to Him everyday, every hour, every minute.  I know that when I come out on the other side of this trial, I will be stronger, not only as a Christian, but as a person.  God has a plan for me.  He isn't finished with me yet.

The next day on August 3, 2009 I had a nervous break-down.

I remember when I left the house that morning; I told myself that everything was going to be okay.  I was wrong.  At 10:00 a.m. everything started to spin out of control.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying, I was shaking uncontrollably, and my heart was racing,  I lost touch with everything around me.  People were talking to me, but I couldn't really hear them.  I felt like I had fallen into a black bottomless pit.

I went home that day and didn't leave my house again for about three weeks, except to see the doctor.  I didn't sleep for at least three weeks.  I couldn't eat, I was sick to my stomach.  All I could do was cry and worry about what a failure I was and how I was destroying and embarrassing my family.

I was diagnosed with an "adjustment disorder."  I was highly medicated and was not allowed to drive for a while.  I was on leave from my job for six weeks before I finally gave my notice and resigned.  The doctor told me I needed to resign, even before the breakdown.  But, after the breakdown he was insistent that I not return.

One of the biggest struggles I dealt with was the fact that I was a Christian and I felt like I had let God down. I had prayed so hard for peace.  How could it be that I had so little faith that I ended up having a breakdown?  As a Christian wasn't I supposed to be able to pray through these situations and become stronger?

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  The Bible tells us in Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

With that in mind, I have come to the conclusion that God allowed this trial in my life.  He allowed me to be broken so that I could be restored stronger than before.  God has moved mightily in my life in the past four years and blessed me in so many ways.  I have had the opportunity to encourage and minister to others in similar situations; and God is getting the glory for bringing me through to the other side.  That in itself is enough reason for me.

I'm not the same person I was four years ago.  I won't lie, I have scars and I still have bad days when the devil tries to play with my mind and emotions.  I have to remind myself that I have been set free by the blood of Jesus and that he who the Son has set free is free indeed.  I am an over-comer and I'm never going back to that weak, scared girl I was before.

My life truly is wonderful.  I have a loving, supportive husband who is truly the man of my dreams; he makes me laugh everyday.  I have a funny, smart, and extremely talented 15 year old son.  My family, friends, and church/family are the greatest and provide an amazing support system.  I serve an a awesome God and He never ceases to amaze me.

Last but not least, I am finally pursuing my passion of a career in writing.  I have never had the confidence before to even call myself a writer, even though I have been writing my entire life.  Once I made up my mind to release the fear of failure that was holding me back; I have become unstoppable and fearless.  I'm so excited about this chapter in my life.  From now on when someone asks me, "what do you do," I will hold my head high and say, "I'm a full-time wife, mother and writer."

Nothing is impossible with God.  I want to leave you with a few of my favorite scriptures.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God will personally go before you.  He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you."  Deuteronomy 31:8

"Haven't I commanded you: be strong and courageous?  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

"For I know the plans I have for you" - this is the Lord's declaration - "plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

Deciding to Forgive

"Don't hate, it's too big a burden to bear." Martin Luther King, Sr.

Hate seems like such a harsh word, but http://www.merriam-webster.com defines it as follows:

a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury 

b : extreme dislike or antipathy : loathing

How many of us can say that we have never felt hostility or extreme dislike for someone?  Be honest!  I'm not going to lie; I have felt both of those emotions at one time or another and it's one of the worst feelings I've ever known.

Matthew 5:43 "You have heard the law that says, 'Love your neighbor' and hate your enemy.  44 But I say, love your enemies!  Pray for those who persecute you!  45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your father in heaven.  For He gives His sunlight to both the evil and the good and He sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.  46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that?

I struggle with forgiveness on a daily basis.  I would dare say, that forgiveness is a struggle for everyone at some point.  If, however, you are one of those fortunate individuals who do not fight this battle, I envy you.

The worst part of holding on to past hurts and not forgiving is the fact that it only hurts me.  Most of the time the person you harbor ill will toward does not know or care how you feel.  And these feelings of bitterness, resentment, hate, etc..., will eat you alive.

Have you ever been lying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep and suddenly you think of something that someone did or said to you that hurt your feelings or really set you off?  I know I have and it's a very unsettling experience.  I start to replay the event in my mind. I think of all the different ways that I could have handled it.  What I said, what I should have said, what I shouldn't have said.  Before I know it, my heart is racing and I am angry all over again.  It's the most frustrating feeling.

What's worse is, when I feel that I have let something go or that I have forgiven a wrong and then it somehow comes up again and I find that I am still not over it.  When I have these realizations, I feel guilty and ashamed of myself.  The Bible says that I have to forgive to be forgiven.  Why does this forgiveness thing have to be so hard?

So, how to overcome?  Pray, pray, pray and pray some more.  Every time one of these offenses pops up in my mind, I pray.  I pray for that person, I pray blessings on their life, I pray for myself and ask God to forgive me for my feelings.  I know it works.

I'm not going to lie and say that I have perfected this, because I haven't and I still have things that pop up and I have to really pray.  I believe, one day, I will have victory over all the "issues" in my life.  Learning to forgive myself is the hardest challenge.  The devil likes to remind me of my past mistakes. I have to remind myself often that God forgave me, the devil is a liar and God wants me to live my life abundantly.

Philippians 2:2 Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.  3 Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others.  Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  4 Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.  5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

I think if we can keep the above scripture in mind, we would be happier individuals.  I know that when I take the focus off of myself and put it somewhere else, I tend to be in a better mood and I feel a sense of accomplishment.

My encouragement to you is, take one day at a time, pray, pray, pray and pray some more, and never forget the God that saved you will rescue you in your time of need.  Some days I feel like I am going to drown, but that life preserver always seems to reach me just in time.  Don't give up!

Setting Myself Free

"One day she decided to stop letting fear hold her back and chose to live bravely.  From then on, she flew!"

I discovered the above quote the other day.  I don't know where it originated from but it inspired me and reminded me of who I want to become.  Fear is not of God.  Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

God did not put me here to just exist.  I was made on purpose for a purpose and I am more determined than ever before to fulfill that purpose.  

Do you know your purpose?

Starting Point

January 1, 2013

God has laid it upon my heart and actually placed a call on my life to write and to share some of my personal struggles with others.  I believe He wants me to help those who have been through similar events/situations.  

I am an introverted person by nature and the things that have happened in my life, which have made me who I am, tended to make me even more so.  I know to be able to share my stories with others I have to let go of the walls I have carefully constructed to protect myself and be real with people.  I have to be prepared to face the challenges that will come with putting myself out there.  There will be rejection, disbelief and even those who will blame me for some of these things.  Believe me, I have spent a lot of wasted time blaming myself.

I know that following through with the plan God has for my life will not be easy and I’m not real sure how to pursue it, but I know what He wants me to do.  It’s time to hold my head up and be the person God wants me to be and be a blessing to those that I can.

Admitting this is the first step.  The next steps are going to be tricky….here we go Lord!