She was out spoken, to say the least, and she never spared her opinion on what you were doing right or wrong. This part of her personality rubbed me the wrong way most of my childhood.
But as a teenager and young adult I developed a much different relationship with her.
I guess you could say I started giving back what she gave. We picked at each other back and forth constantly, she even swatted me with her cane once. She told me, "That will teach you to sass me." I told her, "That will teach me to stand further away next time."
In her way, I believe she made me a stronger person. I loved her fiercely and I know she loved me. She was one of the strongest prayer warriors I've ever known. I knew without a doubt that she and my grandfather prayed for me every single day.
My other grandmother, who I lost when I was twelve years old, definitely wasn't the "sweet old lady" type either. She was a tell it like it is kind of woman. I'm not sure of her heritage, but my memories of her are of a strong woman who had a temper and didn't take any crap. I definitely believe my sarcasm comes from her side. I loved her dearly and I feel like I lost her before I had a chance to really know her.
My mother's personality has a lot of the same qualities as her mother's. She belonged to my half German grandmother. We have a very special relationship. She is one of my best friends, my cheerleader, my confidante and a lot of times my conscience.
You know that saying, "I just heard my mother's voice come out of my mouth?" I hear myself saying that a lot the older I get. I definitely feel that the relationship I had with her growing up reflects the relationship I have with my own child.
I think it's interesting how our personalities develop and how they are usually influenced by the people we spend a lot of time with.
My son probably wouldn't want to admit it, but he has developed a personality much like mine. Here's the kicker though, most of the things we butt heads over are the things he does like me. We argue a lot. I would dare say we have a relationship much like the one I had with my Grandmother, much to my husband's dismay.
One day after one of our "discussions" my husband looked at me and said, "You know, I just realized, that you two are just alike." I just laughed at him. I told him, "I've known that for a long time. That's the reason we butt heads the way we do. I can't believe you're just now figuring that out."
I don't want you all to think that I have a bad relationship with my son. In fact, we have a very solid relationship. It's frustrating sometimes, but I feel like we have an honest, open relationship and I truly believe he tells me things most kids don't tell their parents. I'm not naive, I know he doesn't tell me everything, but honestly, some days he tells me way more than I want to know, but I wouldn't change that.
He paid me the nicest compliment not long ago when he told me that he considered me his best friend. It made me feel like I was doing something right.
All of this being said, I desperately long to just simply be who I am. Just me, no explanations, no regrets, no apologies, no doubts, no fear.
I feel like I have two versions of myself. There's the me I am at home with my husband, child, and the people I'm closest to, and then there's the me I am when I'm around everyone else. This second version of me started to evolve around the time I got married and became a mother. There are too many reasons to name as to why I feel this version of myself developed. It's exhausting though, truly exhausting; putting on my mask and smothering the person I truly am to try and appease other people.
So many "things/events" have contributed to making me who I am today, some good and some down right ugly. There are definitely a few things I would change if I could, but overall, I'm a much stronger person for what I've gone through. And, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't change that. I wouldn't want to be anyone other than who I am. I'm only interested in becoming who God wants me to be at this point.
So I'm working on me. Working on melding these two versions together to become the best version of me. More importantly, becoming the version of me that God wants me to be. I'm a work in progress. I'm flawed, imperfect and messy, but God tells me I'm also truly beautiful, inside and out.
Stay tuned, there's so much more to come!
