Finding Purpose in the Pain

Life doesn't always go as planned. Sometimes life happens to us and sometimes we walk into situations of our own free will that lead to unfortunate outcomes. We drift away from the path that God planned for us. Sometimes the drift is so subtle that we don't even recognize it's happening.

When I was 20 years old I was seriously drifting from what I knew God had planned for my life. I was doing things my way and I walked into one of those situations with my eyes wide open that led to me being drugged and raped by someone that I thought I could trust.

When I say that I walked in with my eyes wide open, I mean I knew in my heart that I was walking outside the will of God. I suspected that I might be placing myself in a compromising position, but I chose to ignore that voice warning me to turn back.

The hardest part of recovering from this trauma was learning to forgive, especially myself. I felt I had let so many people down. Most of all I felt I had failed God. After all, I wasn't living the way I was supposed to, I wasn't living the way I had been raised and taught was right.

I won't lie, it took many years to work through the darkness that followed. I went through anger, guilt, shame, regret, fear and every other emotion.

I didn't feel worthy of forgiveness for a long time. So instead of turning to God and letting him heal me, I started to comfort myself with alcohol. I became what I referred to as a weekend alcoholic. I used it to numb my pain. The cycle of shame and regret was never-ending.

It wasn't until I met my husband that things started to turn around. He was, and still is, such a nice guy and he saw something in me that I couldn't see. At first I was kind of hard on him. It took me a while to understand that he wasn't like the other men that had previously been in my life. He was truly good and he wasn't going to hurt me. Slowly he rebuilt my trust and my heart started to heal.

It was during this time that I would turn back to God. I knew that if I wanted to truly be whole again that I was going to have to give my pain to Him. It wasn't easy. Forgiveness for myself and for the one who had hurt me was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still have days where I have to forgive again. I don't believe forgiveness is a one time thing. I believe it is a process that we have to go through, sometimes on a daily basis. I also learned that forgiveness benefits the forgiver. Refusing to forgive only hurts you. It's like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Forgiving truly sets you free. Free to live the life that God intended for you.

Sharing this part of my life is difficult. It's a part of my story that I feel like God wants to use to help others who may have gone through something similar. I can testify that although it's been hard and there are still days that I get sucked back under; God is always there to pull me out. He is faithful, He is my anchor that I hold on to when the waves of life try to sweep me away.

Letting go of pain from the past can be hard to do, but with God's help anything is possible. If you will allow Him to, He will turn your scars into beauty marks. Leave it to God to take something truly ugly and use it for His good.

Living in Fear is Not Living!

What is holding you back from God's intended purpose for your life?  I can tell you for myself the answer is fear. I'm willing to bet some of you would say the same. The problem is, fear is not of God. It's a tool of the devil to keep us from achieving our God given destiny.

In 2009 I suffered a nervous breakdown. Overnight my life literally turned upside down. I had to quit my job and for about six weeks I didn't leave my house except to go to the doctor.  The first three weeks I cried constantly and I didn't sleep.  I thought I had destroyed my family. I felt like a complete failure. But more than anything else, I felt paralyzing fear.

I not only felt like a failure as a wife, mother and employee; I felt like I had failed God.  As a Christian, shouldn't I be able to pull it together? Wasn't I supposed to have faith?  What kind of example was I setting?

Here it is eight years later and I still deal with the fear. The biggest fear I have is that I'm not enough.

I lay in bed at night and I make all these plans. I see myself becoming the writer I want to be. I see myself being a better Christian, mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. I see myself making the necessary changes to become healthier. There are so many things I want to do.

Then something happens when the sun comes up. Doubts start to creep in and my resolve gets weak. I sit down to a blank screen and the words don't come. I don't accomplish what I think I should and I go to bed defeated.

Does this sound familiar? Can any of you relate?

So how do we overcome? How do we win this battle of the mind?

I think the best place to start is with a rich prayer life and digging into scripture. Here are just a few of my favorite scriptures to deal with fear:

• Deuteronomy 31:8 Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God will personally go before you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you.
• 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love and sound judgement.
• Psalm 118:6 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
• Psalm 23:4 Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
• Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. 

I have to be honest with you. I am no where close to being where I need to be on the subject of fear. I'm definitely still learning to navigate the minefield of day to day living. But I believe that all things are possible with God. 

I will never give up striving to overcome. In fact, I believe that overcoming is a daily journey. I don't believe that we get to a point in life where we get to sit back and say, "that's it I'm over it." I believe we have to continually grow in our walk with the Lord. In doing so, we will get stronger and yes, dealing with fear will become easier. 

God has a purpose for each of our lives. I truly believe that one of His purposes for my life is to share my struggle so others who are struggling with fear will know they are not alone. 

So let's stop living in fear and start clinging to God's promises. Dig into the word of God and pray, pray God's word over your life. He has so much for us if we will just give Him control.