Monday, September 25, 2017

Finding Purpose in the Pain


Life doesn't always go as planned. Sometimes life happens to us and sometimes we walk into situations of our own free will that lead to unfortunate outcomes. We drift away from the path that God planned for us. Sometimes the drift is so subtle that we don't even recognize it's happening.

When I was 20 years old I was seriously drifting from what I knew God had planned for my life. I was doing things my way and I walked into one of those situations with my eyes wide open that led to me being drugged and raped by someone that I thought I could trust.

When I say that I walked in with my eyes wide open, I mean I knew in my heart that I was walking outside the will of God. I suspected that I might be placing myself in a compromising position, but I chose to ignore that voice warning me to turn back.

The hardest part of recovering from this trauma was learning to forgive, especially myself. I felt I had let so many people down. Most of all I felt I had failed God. After all, I wasn't living the way I was supposed to, I wasn't living the way I had been raised and taught was right.

I won't lie, it took many years to work through the darkness that followed. I went through anger, guilt, shame, regret, fear and every other emotion.

I didn't feel worthy of forgiveness for a long time. So instead of turning to God and letting him heal me, I started to comfort myself with alcohol. I became what I referred to as a weekend alcoholic. I used it to numb my pain. The cycle of shame and regret was never-ending.

It wasn't until I met my husband that things started to turn around. He was, and still is, such a nice guy and he saw something in me that I couldn't see. At first I was kind of hard on him. It took me a while to understand that he wasn't like the other men that had previously been in my life. He was truly good and he wasn't going to hurt me. Slowly he rebuilt my trust and my heart started to heal.

It was during this time that I would turn back to God. I knew that if I wanted to truly be whole again that I was going to have to give my pain to Him. It wasn't easy. Forgiveness for myself and for the one who had hurt me was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still have days where I have to forgive again. I don't believe forgiveness is a one time thing. I believe it is a process that we have to go through, sometimes on a daily basis. I also learned that forgiveness benefits the forgiver. Refusing to forgive only hurts you. It's like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Forgiving truly sets you free. Free to live the life that God intended for you.

Sharing this part of my life is difficult. It's a part of my story that I feel like God wants to use to help others who may have gone through something similar. I can testify that although it's been hard and there are still days that I get sucked back under; God is always there to pull me out. He is faithful, He is my anchor that I hold on to when the waves of life try to sweep me away.

Letting go of pain from the past can be hard to do, but with God's help anything is possible. If you will allow Him to, He will turn your scars into beauty marks. Leave it to God to take something truly ugly and use it for His good.

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