Jesus Give Me Rest
The words, weary and burdened, have been the definition of my existence for the past three years, increasingly so in the past month and a half. I feel as though I am being physically and mentally attacked from every side. I struggle to get out of the bed in the morning and put my feet on the floor.
I want desperately to breathe. I know this probably sounds a little crazy, but I literally feel like I am being smothered. My chest feels weighted with burden, my mind is overwhelmed with stress, and the effects are starting to show, physically and mentally. I am in desperate need of relief, the kind of relief that can only come from God.
I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with the Lord, it could always be better. I pray all the time, I go to church, I worship, I listen to uplifting music; but I feel like a beggar dying of thirst. I can see the water, but I just can't reach it. It's right there, so why can't I just reach out and take it? What is holding me back from receiving the relief that He wants to give me?
Tonight at church, we had an awesome service. I really felt the presence of the Lord, from the moment I walked in the door. During our prayer service, I went to the alter and I just prayed and cried, mostly that God would just give me freedom and peace. I asked for a fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit. I feel broken, tired and weak; all I can do is cry.
I felt better when church was over. I felt a re-charging of my battery, but in the back of my mind tomorrow looms. Somehow I have to get to a place where I can totally let go of my situation, of which I have no control, and give God the reins.
When I got home tonight, I sat down at my desk and flipped the page on my calendar. Today's scripture was Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I guess you could say I had an "aha moment." It was as if the Lord was speaking directly to me.
Although I feel like I'm struggling, I know that I am developing a stronger and more personal relationship with the Lord through this trial. Maybe that is the whole point of the trial; to break me and to bring me to His side and teach me total dependence. Whatever it is, I will go to Him. I will go to Him everyday, every hour, every minute. I know that when I come out on the other side of this trial, I will be stronger, not only as a Christian, but as a person. God has a plan for me. He isn't finished with me yet.
The next day on August 3, 2009 I had a nervous break-down.
I remember when I left the house that morning; I told myself that everything was going to be okay. I was wrong. At 10:00 a.m. everything started to spin out of control. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying, I was shaking uncontrollably, and my heart was racing, I lost touch with everything around me. People were talking to me, but I couldn't really hear them. I felt like I had fallen into a black bottomless pit.
I went home that day and didn't leave my house again for about three weeks, except to see the doctor. I didn't sleep for at least three weeks. I couldn't eat, I was sick to my stomach. All I could do was cry and worry about what a failure I was and how I was destroying and embarrassing my family.
I was diagnosed with an "adjustment disorder." I was highly medicated and was not allowed to drive for a while. I was on leave from my job for six weeks before I finally gave my notice and resigned. The doctor told me I needed to resign, even before the breakdown. But, after the breakdown he was insistent that I not return.
One of the biggest struggles I dealt with was the fact that I was a Christian and I felt like I had let God down. I had prayed so hard for peace. How could it be that I had so little faith that I ended up having a breakdown? As a Christian wasn't I supposed to be able to pray through these situations and become stronger?
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. The Bible tells us in Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
With that in mind, I have come to the conclusion that God allowed this trial in my life. He allowed me to be broken so that I could be restored stronger than before. God has moved mightily in my life in the past four years and blessed me in so many ways. I have had the opportunity to encourage and minister to others in similar situations; and God is getting the glory for bringing me through to the other side. That in itself is enough reason for me.
I'm not the same person I was four years ago. I won't lie, I have scars and I still have bad days when the devil tries to play with my mind and emotions. I have to remind myself that I have been set free by the blood of Jesus and that he who the Son has set free is free indeed. I am an over-comer and I'm never going back to that weak, scared girl I was before.
My life truly is wonderful. I have a loving, supportive husband who is truly the man of my dreams; he makes me laugh everyday. I have a funny, smart, and extremely talented 15 year old son. My family, friends, and church/family are the greatest and provide an amazing support system. I serve an a awesome God and He never ceases to amaze me.
Last but not least, I am finally pursuing my passion of a career in writing. I have never had the confidence before to even call myself a writer, even though I have been writing my entire life. Once I made up my mind to release the fear of failure that was holding me back; I have become unstoppable and fearless. I'm so excited about this chapter in my life. From now on when someone asks me, "what do you do," I will hold my head high and say, "I'm a full-time wife, mother and writer."
Nothing is impossible with God. I want to leave you with a few of my favorite scriptures.
"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God will personally go before you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8
"Haven't I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"For I know the plans I have for you" - this is the Lord's declaration - "plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
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