Who I Am

In my opinion, my personality is a little complex. I had a half German grandmother and I feel like she passed a lot of her personality on to me.  It was undoubtedly helped along by the fact that I spent most Saturdays and Sundays with her for a significant part of my childhood and adolescence.

She was out spoken, to say the least, and she never spared her opinion on what you were doing right or wrong.  This part of her personality rubbed me the wrong way most of my childhood.
But as a teenager and young adult I developed a much different relationship with her.

I guess you could say I started giving back what she gave.  We picked at each other back and forth constantly, she even swatted me with her cane once.  She told me, "That will teach you to sass me."  I told her, "That will teach me to stand further away next time."

In her way, I believe she made me a stronger person. I loved her fiercely and I know she loved me. She was one of the strongest prayer warriors I've ever known.  I knew without  a doubt that she and my grandfather prayed for me every single day.
   
My other grandmother, who I lost when I was twelve years old, definitely wasn't the "sweet old lady" type either.  She was a tell it like it is kind of woman.  I'm not sure of her heritage, but my memories of her are of a strong woman who had a temper and didn't take any crap.  I definitely believe my sarcasm comes from her side.  I loved her dearly and I feel like I lost her before I had a chance to really know her.

My mother's personality has a lot of the same qualities as her mother's. She belonged to my half German grandmother.  We have a very special relationship. She is one of my best friends, my cheerleader, my confidante and a lot of times my conscience.

You know that saying, "I just heard my mother's voice come out of my mouth?"  I hear myself saying that a lot the older I get. I definitely feel that the relationship I had with her growing up reflects the relationship I have with my own child.

I think it's interesting how our personalities develop and how they are usually influenced by the people we spend a lot of time with.

My son probably wouldn't want to admit it, but he has developed a personality much like mine. Here's the kicker though, most of the things we butt heads over are the things he does like me.  We argue a lot.  I would dare say we have a relationship much like the one I had with my Grandmother, much to my husband's dismay.

One day after one of our "discussions" my husband looked at me and said, "You know, I just realized, that you two are just alike."  I just laughed at him.  I told him, "I've known that for a long time. That's the reason we butt heads the way we do.  I can't believe you're just now figuring that out."

I don't want you all to think that I have a bad relationship with my son.  In fact, we have a very solid relationship.  It's frustrating sometimes, but I feel like we have an honest, open relationship and I truly believe he tells me things most kids don't tell their parents.  I'm not naive, I know he doesn't tell me everything, but honestly, some days he tells me way more than I want to know, but I wouldn't change that.

He paid me the nicest compliment not long ago when he told me that he considered me his best friend.  It made me feel like I was doing something right.

All of this being said, I desperately long to just simply be who I am.  Just me, no explanations, no regrets, no apologies, no doubts, no fear.

I feel like I have two versions of myself.  There's the me I am at home with my husband, child, and the people I'm closest to, and then there's the me I am when I'm around everyone else.  This second version of me started to evolve around the time I got married and became a mother.

There are too many reasons to name as to why I feel this version of myself developed.  It's exhausting though, truly exhausting; putting on my mask and smothering the person I truly am to try and appease other people.  

So many "things/events" have contributed to making me who I am today, some good and some down right ugly.  There are definitely a few things I would change if I could, but overall, I'm a much stronger person for what I've gone through. And, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't change that.  I wouldn't want to be anyone other than who I am. I'm only interested in becoming who God wants me to be at this point.

So I'm working on me. Working on melding these two versions together to become the best version of me. More importantly, becoming the version of me that God wants me to be.  I'm a work in progress. I'm flawed, imperfect and messy, but God tells me I'm also truly beautiful, inside and out.

Stay tuned, there's so much more to come!

Feeling My Age

Do you ever feel like you're falling apart?  Not necessarily spiritually, although that can become a factor, but physically?  Maybe like your power cord has been unplugged from it's power source?

Last year when I went for my annual check-up with the doctor I found out that I had a lot of issues. My blood pressure was a little high, my cholesterol was a little high, I was anemic, my vitamin D had bottomed out and my thyroid, for which I have taken medication for hypothyroidism for 13 years, was all out of whack!

I took iron, vitamin D, saw a specialist for the thyroid, had my medication changed twice, and promised I was working on this weight issue to get my blood pressure and cholesterol in check.

Fast forward a year:  I'm back at the doctor for another annual check-up.  Again, I have a laundry list of issues.  Most of them, the same issues.  I have lost a little weight, but not near enough to make a difference.

I have been blaming myself for being so tired all the time.  I thought maybe I was just lazy.  But when you find out you're anemic, your vitamin D is once again bottomed out and your thyroid is once again completely out of whack; you realize it's not all your fault.  There's a real reason for the lethargy.  It's not all in your head.  Thank God!

The one thing I can't understand is how a person with all these issues that drain energy can still be an insomniac.  That's a mystery I will never comprehend.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the doctor's appointments I have coming my way.  I had an appointment today, two next week and one in February for my first mammogram - yikes!  I will have another one, to be determined, in the middle of all of this for a simple, in office procedure that I'm not looking forward to, but it's really not supposed to be a big deal.  Regardless of how trivial it all sounds, I'm dreading it all so bad and will just be so glad when it's all over.

Now, having said all that, I realize that at my age, it will never just be over.  It's just the beginning and it sucks!  Pardon my bluntness!

On an up-note, I have lost 7 1/2 pounds in the past two weeks and I am determined to lose this weight and get myself healthy.  I haven't been able to exercise, because I have had the worst head/chest cold I have had in a very long time for going on three weeks.  But as soon as I'm over this mess I will be getting my butt in gear.

I don't know why I feel compelled to share this with you all.  Maybe someone else out there is going through something similar and maybe my sharing will help you to not feel so alone.  Maybe I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

One thing I do know for sure is that God will be with me through it all.  He has never and will never leave my side.  Even at my most overwhelming moments, I know He's there.

God is Listening

My son and his friend had a car accident Wednesday night coming home from church.  It happened around 9:30 p.m.  My son was driving down the outer road by the interstate when he suddenly saw something in the road.  When he swerved to miss it he clipped the object with the right front of his car and lost control.

They spun a couple of times and somehow managed to go under a cable that divides the outer road from the interstate; it scraped the whole length of his car.  They went through the grass and into the right lane of the interstate, thankfully nothing was coming, before he was able to get control and pull the car over to the shoulder.  Thank God, my son nor his friend were injured.

That something he saw in the middle of the road turned out to be a dishwasher that had apparently fell off of someone's truck.

I pray everyday that God will protect my child and direct his steps.  That morning I remember specifically praying that God would protect him as he was driving.  God proved to me that he hears my prayers.

Here's the thing, just the day before I got some unpleasant news about a very dear family member.  We've been praying for a miracle for so long and things just aren't going the way we wish they would.  All around me it seems like people are sick, dying or just generally having a hard way to go.  I remember hanging up the phone and just crying.  I felt so helpless and I was telling my husband I didn't feel like my prayers were doing any good.  I was feeling like all those prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling.

The very next day God proved to me that He definitely hears me.  He protected my child.  This accident could have ended so badly.

My son's friend told me he remembers the car starting to tilt like it was going to flip and then just suddenly set right back down.  My son told me he was trying so hard to get control and when he saw they were headed for the interstate, he just all of the sudden had control.  I told them that God had his hand on them and they both agreed with me.  That's the only explanation I need.

When my son called me to tell me they had had an accident my mind stop accepting information after he said, "we had and accident."  He was trying to tell me where they were and all I heard was that they were on the outer road.  I quickly gave the phone to his father so that I could get dressed.  Once we got to where we thought they were and I realized they were actually on the shoulder of the interstate I almost threw up.  Images of what could have happened started flooding my mind and I was just overwhelmed with gratitude to God for keeping His hand over my child and his friend.

I don't know why this had to happen.  I don't understand why it had to be my son that would come upon a dishwasher in the middle of the road on a dark night.  I don't know why bad things happen to good people.  I've decided, for now, to stop asking why.

All I am going to do right now is continue to trust God and thank Him for his mercy and His grace and trust in His wisdom.  God may not always answer our prayers the way we want Him to but He has a plan and we just have to trust in that.

Never Gonna Steal My Joy - Mandisa (lyric video)

I heard this song on Pandora the other day and I had never heard it before.  I find the lyrics very encouraging.  I hope you do to!

Delivered, God's Not Done With Me Yet

Having a nervous breakdown caused me to lose a part of myself.  Almost as if a part of me died.  I really didn't believe I would fully recover that loss.  But, God is not finished with me yet, I'm a continuous work in progress.

Do you ever feel stale?  Like you're just wandering around lost trying to figure out why you're here and what your purpose is?  I had been this way for some time.  I felt the need to get back to that "first love" feeling.  I needed to reacquaint myself with God and and dig deeper into His word than ever before.  I felt dry and parched.

I had felt stagnant for so long that I had started to feel like my life was pointless.  I knew it was just the devil trying to bring me down.  He is constantly trying to take control of my mind.  The problem was that I had given in and had let him bring me down to a level where I was almost certain I wasn't going to be able to climb back out.

and then....

Last Thursday evening I was preparing to go to choir practice for our church.  I was suddenly, without warning attacked with an intense toothache and had to take pain medication and knew I would start feeling really woozy...perfect reason to stay home, right?

I got so angry at the devil.  I knew he had attacked me just to keep me from going to practice.  So when my husband got ready to leave, he plays bass for our worship team, he told me he would see me when he got back.  I looked at him and said, "no you won't, I'm going with you if I have to lay in the floor to practice."

Little did I know I was going to be delivered that night.  When practice was over our Worship Leader/Pastor's Wife was talking to us and asking us to fast for 30 days and pray because she just felt that the enemy was attacking people and trying to block the things that God is trying to do in lives and our community and church.  I cried the whole time she talked.  I felt the fear, fear of just living and breathing being lifted off me as we all prayed together that night.

On Sunday morning the devil attacked again with pain, but I was determined to make it to church.  As we were having our worship service and it was coming to a close, our Pastor walked up on stage and he said that the Holy Spirit was releasing people from fear.  I barely heard anything else he said after that because I just started to weep and I almost jumped off the choir risers and started to run around the church.  It was just confirmation that I was indeed set free.  I couldn't stop smiling or crying through the rest of worship.

Everyday is an uphill battle.  I have been having some shouting matches with the devil.  I have told him over and over, this body, this mind, the soul, this heart belongs to God and you have no place here.  You have to flee at the name of Jesus and then I just start shouting Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!  I do this a lot in my car.  I told someone the other day if I get stopped in traffic with people around me, they will probably think I'm crazy and they can probably hear me yelling at the devil.  But, at this point in my life, I am so determined to keep my victory for good.  The devil is not taking it back.  I've allowed him to toy with my mind for way too long.  It's not happening again.

I just want to encourage you, if you are facing this same kind of battle, don't give up.  God is there, just call out to Him.  I read somewhere just the other day; "the best time to thank Jesus for His presence is when you don't feel His presence?"

Read your Bible, pray, pray and pray some more.  Listen to uplifting music.  Read encouraging, Bible based books.  Get a good devotional to read daily.  Remember garbage in garbage out.  And, when the devil starts whispering in your ear, you just shout, "you have to flee in Jesus name, you have no place here, I belong to God!"

Life Goes On

"In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life.  It goes on.”  --Robert Frost

I could not agree more with that statement.  No matter what happens today, whether I see tomorrow or not, life will go on.  What happened yesterday is already a memory.  What happened last week is history.  What matters most is this moment.

It’s true, life passes much too quickly.  One day you’re ten years old, fighting with your brother over how much of the bedroom belongs to you; and then you wake up and you’re 41 years old.  Now you fight with your teenager over cleaning his room.

I catch myself quite frequently thinking, “what happened to me, when did I become a responsible adult and how did I allow this to happen to me?“  I look in the mirror and I know that I have changed.  There’s a reason I color my hair, I have spots on my face that did not use to be there and are those wrinkles, surely not; but on the inside I still feel pretty young.  I couldn't possibly be more than 27, 29 tops.  What’s in a number anyway, right?

“Hurry” is a big problem in my life.  I’m always in such a hurry to do something or get somewhere, that I don’t enjoy the journey.  I’m trying really hard to figure out how to slow down and breathe in the experience, stress less, laugh more…carpe diem.

Truly, if I haven’t enjoyed today and it all ends tonight, then haven’t I lost everything?  That may be a little over the top, but you know what I mean.  We don’t get a redo of today or yesterday.  This moment, right now, is all we really have.

I encourage you to enjoy this moment.  Bathe your days in prayer, laugh, be kind and enjoy your family and friends.  Choose to let go of worry and anger.  These are the things that matter!

Nothing Is Impossible With God

I wrote the following on August 2, 2009

Jesus Give Me Rest

The words, weary and burdened, have been the definition of my existence for the past three years, increasingly so in the past month and a half.  I feel as though I am being physically and mentally attacked from every side.  I struggle to get out of the bed in the morning and put my feet on the floor.

I want desperately to breathe.  I know this probably sounds a little crazy, but I literally feel like I am being smothered.  My chest feels weighted with burden, my mind is overwhelmed with stress, and the effects are starting to show, physically and mentally.  I am in desperate need of relief, the kind of relief that can only come from God.  

I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with the Lord, it could always be better.  I pray all the time, I go to church, I worship, I listen to uplifting music; but I feel like a beggar dying of thirst.  I can see the water, but I just can't reach it.  It's right there, so why can't I just reach out and take it? What is holding me back from receiving the relief that He wants to give me?

Tonight at church, we had an awesome service.  I really felt the presence of the Lord, from the moment I walked in the door.  During our prayer service, I went to the alter and I just prayed and cried, mostly that God would just give me freedom and peace.  I asked for a fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit.  I feel broken, tired and weak; all I can do is cry.

I felt better when church was over.  I felt a re-charging of my battery, but in the back of my mind tomorrow looms.  Somehow I have to get to a place where I can totally let go of my situation, of which I have no control, and give God the reins.

When I got home tonight, I sat down at my desk and flipped the page on my calendar.  Today's scripture was Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  I guess you could say I had an "aha moment."  It was as if the Lord was speaking directly to me.

Although I feel like I'm struggling, I know that I am developing a stronger and more personal relationship with the Lord through this trial.  Maybe that is the whole point of the trial; to break me and to bring me to His side and teach me total dependence.  Whatever it is, I will go to Him. I will go to Him everyday, every hour, every minute.  I know that when I come out on the other side of this trial, I will be stronger, not only as a Christian, but as a person.  God has a plan for me.  He isn't finished with me yet.

The next day on August 3, 2009 I had a nervous break-down.

I remember when I left the house that morning; I told myself that everything was going to be okay.  I was wrong.  At 10:00 a.m. everything started to spin out of control.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying, I was shaking uncontrollably, and my heart was racing,  I lost touch with everything around me.  People were talking to me, but I couldn't really hear them.  I felt like I had fallen into a black bottomless pit.

I went home that day and didn't leave my house again for about three weeks, except to see the doctor.  I didn't sleep for at least three weeks.  I couldn't eat, I was sick to my stomach.  All I could do was cry and worry about what a failure I was and how I was destroying and embarrassing my family.

I was diagnosed with an "adjustment disorder."  I was highly medicated and was not allowed to drive for a while.  I was on leave from my job for six weeks before I finally gave my notice and resigned.  The doctor told me I needed to resign, even before the breakdown.  But, after the breakdown he was insistent that I not return.

One of the biggest struggles I dealt with was the fact that I was a Christian and I felt like I had let God down. I had prayed so hard for peace.  How could it be that I had so little faith that I ended up having a breakdown?  As a Christian wasn't I supposed to be able to pray through these situations and become stronger?

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  The Bible tells us in Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

With that in mind, I have come to the conclusion that God allowed this trial in my life.  He allowed me to be broken so that I could be restored stronger than before.  God has moved mightily in my life in the past four years and blessed me in so many ways.  I have had the opportunity to encourage and minister to others in similar situations; and God is getting the glory for bringing me through to the other side.  That in itself is enough reason for me.

I'm not the same person I was four years ago.  I won't lie, I have scars and I still have bad days when the devil tries to play with my mind and emotions.  I have to remind myself that I have been set free by the blood of Jesus and that he who the Son has set free is free indeed.  I am an over-comer and I'm never going back to that weak, scared girl I was before.

My life truly is wonderful.  I have a loving, supportive husband who is truly the man of my dreams; he makes me laugh everyday.  I have a funny, smart, and extremely talented 15 year old son.  My family, friends, and church/family are the greatest and provide an amazing support system.  I serve an a awesome God and He never ceases to amaze me.

Last but not least, I am finally pursuing my passion of a career in writing.  I have never had the confidence before to even call myself a writer, even though I have been writing my entire life.  Once I made up my mind to release the fear of failure that was holding me back; I have become unstoppable and fearless.  I'm so excited about this chapter in my life.  From now on when someone asks me, "what do you do," I will hold my head high and say, "I'm a full-time wife, mother and writer."

Nothing is impossible with God.  I want to leave you with a few of my favorite scriptures.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God will personally go before you.  He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you."  Deuteronomy 31:8

"Haven't I commanded you: be strong and courageous?  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

"For I know the plans I have for you" - this is the Lord's declaration - "plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11